How to be CO₂ neutral.
Ten ways to save the planet - easily, quickly and effectively

1. To be CO₂ neutral means not to worry about CO₂ in the atmosphere. I have always been CO₂ neutral. So has my house. Until somebody produces a well-researched CO₂ atmospheric warming coefficient and demonstrates its effect on the atmosphere I will remain CO₂ neutral.
2. Offsetting. Every little helps, so each time you drive a car and produce masses of carbon dioxide try breathing a little less. In fact, regardless of whether you drive try breathing a little less each day until one day you manage to stop breathing altogether. In this way you will no longer burden the planet with your noxious gasses. Encourage others to do likewise. This will both make you feel good and also help me and others like me whose driving emissions will then be offset by your demise.
3. Leave your refrigerator door open. This will produce quite noticeable cooling when you stand in front of the appliance. In case you think that this method runs counter to the principles of thermodynamics rest assured that its basis is far sounder than Al Gore's soundest arguments.
4. Build a treadmill and/or lobby your gym equipment manufacturer to produce equipment with generators so that you can power your television, your freezer, your lights, your hi-fi and computer, your seed propagator and oven. You will not have to worry about the heating because the exercise will keep you warm. In large families quite a satisfactory rota can be arranged. I was told that those delegates at the 2009 Copenhagen Conference who have large cars were doing precisely this in order to charge up their mobile telephones.
5. Destroy all the wildlife you can find. From maggots, mosquitoes to whales and polar bears. Wildlife is a carbon dioxide and methane mega-factory - the planet will be much better off without it regardless of any slight misgivings bunny huggers may have.
6. Wear a white hat. This will reflect at least some of the sun's heat back out into space. Keeping the roof of your car clean will probably also help because a shiny roof is more reflective. This measure is most effective when you wash your car each day.
7. Who says windmills are not to be sneezed at? When sneezing in the vicinity of a windmill ensure that you are upwind and then sneeze in the direction of the windmill. This will give the windmill just this little bit extra power which could make all the difference between planetary destruction and survival. It has been calculated that if we all sneezed in this way there would be enough extra power to run several television sets in several homes in several countries (IPCC data 2008).
8. Computer models show that the future water supply, unless it remains unchanged, will be either increase or decrease. Each of these scenarios is catastrophic. It is simplicity itself to prepare for this eventuality by buying two large water butts and keeping one full and the other empty. This is called 'hedging one's butts' in the language of planet conservation.
9. Move to Antarctica or to Siberia. This has the double advantage of saving money by moving to a cheaper home and at the same time escaping the ravages of temperatures above 25°C. Currently, there are some property bargains to be snapped up in Siberia, and Antarctica is being hailed as the 'New America'. This, however, is more of a cop-out than an anti-overheating measure but I mention it for completeness. We may all eventually have to go to Siberia or somewhere further if things keep heating up the way they have been in recent years.
10. Stop working and contributing to the welfare of this country. It is an obsession with work, production, economic growth, development, science and technology which has over the centuries led to the sorry state in which we find ourselves. In order to unwind this catastrophic train of events we must break all ties with work and production. Factories must be decommissioned or destroyed together with all the technological know-how. We may even be able to rise to the daunting challenge of 'deinventing' the wheel - in other words, destroying all wheels, erasing all evidence that wheels ever existed and removing all references to them. Only then will the planet's CO₂ levels return to normal.