to be CO2
ways to save the planet - easily, quickly and effectively
be CO2 neutral means not to worry about CO2
in the atmosphere. I have always been CO2 neutral. So has my
house. Until somebody produces a well-researched CO2 atmospheric
warming coefficient and demonstrates its effect on the atmosphere
I will remain CO2 neutral.
Offsetting. Every little helps, so each time you drive
a car and produce masses of carbon dioxide try breathing a little less.
In fact, regardless of whether you drive try breathing a little
less each day until one day you manage to stop breathing altogether.
In this way you will no longer burden the planet with your noxious gasses.
Encourage others to do likewise. This will both make you feel good and
also help me and others like me whose driving emissions will then be offset
by your demise.
3. Leave your refrigerator door open. This will produce
quite noticeable cooling when you stand in front of the appliance. In
case you think that this method runs counter to the principles of thermodynamics
rest assured that its basis is far sounder than Al Gore's soundest arguments.
4. Build a treadmill and/or lobby your gym equipment
manufacturer to produce equipment with generators so that you can power
your television, your freezer, your lights, your hi-fi and computer, your
seed propagator and oven. You will not have to worry about the heating
because the exercise will keep you warm. In large families quite a satisfactory
rota can be arranged. I was told that those delegates at the 2009 Copenhagen
Conference who have large cars were doing precisely this in order to charge
up their mobile telephones.
5. Destroy all the wildlife you can
find. From maggots, mosquitoes to whales and polar bears. Wildlife is
a carbon dioxide and methane mega-factory - the planet will be much better
off without it regardless of any slight misgivings bunny huggers may have.
6. Wear a white hat. This will reflect at least some
of the sun's heat back out into space. Keeping the roof of your car clean
will probably also help because a shiny roof is more reflective. This
measure is most effective when you wash your car each day.
says windmills are not to be sneezed at? When sneezing in the
vicinity of a windmill ensure that you are upwind and then sneeze
in the direction of the windmill. This will give the windmill just this
little bit extra power which could make all the difference between planetary
destruction and survival. It has been calculated that if we all sneezed
in this way there would be enough extra power to run several television
sets in several homes in several countries (IPCC data 2008).
8. Computer models show that the future water supply, unless it remains
unchanged, will be either increase or decrease. Each of these scenarios
is catastrophic. It is simplicity itself to prepare for this eventuality
by buying two large water butts and keeping one full
and the other empty. This is called 'hedging one's butts' in the language
of planet conservation.
9. Move to Antarctica or to Siberia. This has the double
advantage of saving money by moving to a cheaper home and at the same
time escaping the ravages of temperatures above 25°C. Currently, there
are some property bargains to be snapped up in Siberia, and Antarctica
is being hailed as the 'New America'. This, however, is more of a cop-out
than an anti-overheating measure but I mention it for completeness. We
may all eventually have to go to Siberia or somewhere further if things
keep heating up the way they have been in recent years.
10. Stop working and contributing to the welfare of this
country. It is an obsession with work, production, economic growth, development,
science and technology which has over the centuries led to the sorry state
in which we find ourselves. In order to unwind this catastrophic train
of events we must break all ties with work and production. Factories must
be decommissioned or destroyed together with all the technological know-how.
We may even be able to rise to the daunting challenge of 'deinventing'
the wheel - in other words, destroying all wheels, erasing all evidence
that wheels ever existed and removing all references to them. Only then
will the planet's CO2 levels return to normal.